A is for Assume, My Altered Audience!
As a patient with more than a few dings on the spectrum, one of my biggest triggers is thinking everyone is against me. Creating extreme anxiety and depression inside of me.
Learning to shut my inner A-hole up is a struggle for me every day. I used to always assume the worst projecting my BS all over everyone else until I became an over-medicated, whiny, pain in the A. The constant,” You’re not good enough, they dislike you, “plays like Yo-Yo Mas’ cello in my head.
The lyrics change but the song is the same…. Why do I assume the worst? Well according to my therapist, because that’s all I have identified within my life. I didn’t know how to interact amongst the normal brained or norms as I like to call them. I tried to medicate to assimilate and by so doing dulled the symptoms as well as my soul.
Assuming is enemy number one, it starts the spiral of conspiracies in our minds.
Losing all control, we become total ASSumer’s, making a complete A out of ourselves in front of well, everyone. No…that’s just me? Okay, okay, I can assume my self into a three-day depressa-polisa hosted by Netflix and catered by the fine makers of Uber-Eats, with an errant look from a loved one.
I have had tragedy in my life but regular people can take a hit and keep on going, so jelly. While peeps with depression, or manic tendencies well, we tend to crumble like coffee cake at the slightest hint of heartbreak.
Band-Aids cover the ouch’s for so long, they fix nothing and as my adult life fell apart. I began to take even more pills per day to calm me. Doctors have prescribed medications to me like handy’s from a three-dollar prostitute, quick and with little discretion. Medications work to slow the crazy but even at my best while on these drugs I feel 60-80% like a real person. My brain is fogged, my liver angry and the bipolar roller coaster was a sentence away from anyone with the courage to disagree with me. I was volatile, reacting in anger because f-them if they hate me, I hate them more… My adult self can see the childishness in that sentence and yet, using it. I was Assuming all over the place, and much like our local meteorologist, I was generally wrong.
How did I stop assuming the worst? I didn’t my inner a-hole is still screaming at me, even now as I write I hear her…such an A. But, now I know that she is a lying b, who is the one I should assume is wrong. Since I have hit this epiphany I have begun to win the war, she isn’t as loud anymore. I shut her down as quick as I can by using breathing techniques such as; in through the nose out through the mouth breathing. I also like the cover one nostril trick, I don’t know why it works but it does.
Place one finger over, not in, a nostril and breathe. Breathe in and out through the other nostril, now switch, and switch. I place the Assumed wrong on a shelf and I talk it out with someone who is close to me. To be sure it’s me or if for once I am correct and that person is a supervillain trying to destroy all I hold dear.
I am assuming most of you are trying to fix yourself, I hope this helps you on your journey as it has helped me on mine. Do not Assume, if no facts to present your case, shelf it until you have all the details and remember to breathe. Life will be easier for you and everyone who is around you if you can. Real cures for mental health come from the why’s, so spend some time figuring out why you react that way. We cannot change others, but we can change our perception of them. I try to put myself in that person’s shoes and think even if they are out to get me, Well they could be Ass-umers too.
Healing is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back dance, that will get easier with time. I like to think if there were an easy way I would have found it, as I am the laziest b who wants healing, like a drive-thru meal. See now I want fries.
If you want to fix yourself, you gotta go through it, all the way through and without shame. I am by no means healed, but I am an f-nut closer than before. I Assume less and ask for explanations more by taking a minute to process the situation. This is not an overnight success story. This has taken me years and many setbacks. I have come so far from who I used to be. Every day inside my head gets a little easier to deny my inner A and I promise you, if you do the work, it will get easier for you too.
Next week we got b’s baby and have I got a B for you.
Nik Di Meu