G is for Generosity, people of gen- pop! Giving is Self-healing, Selfless acts, distract from my own depression.
Truth be told, I was against giving anyone anything before I began my self-healing Journey. When life handed me lemons, I grabbed salt and tequila and said F it to anyone who was not me. My very survival as a child depended on me takin care of me. I struggled with myself my family and learning. My life felt like a million miles uphill both ways to get to where I am today. Why would I give an F about anyone else but myself when I did it on my own? It took me a long time to see that life really isn’t about me but about my choices and I can be a bitter b who hates or full of happiness because my life was not about me anymore but about giving back.
Before my diagnosis, I was a dysfunctional but functional girl, who made choices that were drawn on instinct almost Ferrel. I believe all of my decisions taught me something and that message is clear, do better, be better, by helping others. it took years to learn what I am telling you now so freely. Giving is healing, true generosity comes from us to us, by us.
The universe sent me a message and it said;
“Okay Nik you are mid-twenties, are you done screwin around yet? We feel it is time for you to get your shit together, or just quit altogether, so choose death by self-destruction or a life of seminormal function. You will quit recreational drugs. You will have to study your ass off Nik with the ninth-grade education you are far behind but if you give it all you got, you’ll do fine! You will have to work a solid 40 while going to school, nothing in life is free. Just to add in a little more struggle, go live with the chick that screwed you up in the first place and her jerk husband too.”
I worked really hard to get a degree and got three, thank you OCD. Despite my lack of education and or any structure in my formative years, I was tenacious and it changed my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the road less traveled, but it almost broke me to make it. No matter how successful I become, I still feel so empty. No matter what I accomplished it never made me happy. I always thought if I have this then I will be happy. I would do whatever I had to achieve that goal to get happiness but like any drug, it wore off quickly and I needed another fix. I then got another message from the universe and it was short and sweet. “Fix thy self silly girl or you will blow up your entire world”.
I began to try to fix me and in so doing I learned a lesson that I will share with you throughout this blog. A few years ago, I started to read more self help books, go to extensive therapy (Merica) and worked on myself. I was so sad all the time or mad until this magical moment of realization: Being a generous soul, seeing someone for who they could be, not who they think they are, can give someone the confidence to get up.
Helping everyone, even if they are jerks, it only makes us better as people. We can change lives, our lives as well as the person/people you are helping. I believe Mother Teresa said it best, she was a kind wise woman and a personal hero of mine. MOther Teresa gave her whole life to others and her soul was nourished by helping them. Well, I am certainly no mother Teresa. But I did learn a valuable lesson, giving to those who need it, makes me better. Seeing the world through their eyes allows me a new perspective and a lot of gratitude for what I do you have.
Now, this is just me paraphrasing but I believe Momma T said something like “people are dicks but be generous anyway! Because in the end, it is only between you and God not you and bob.” who by the way, didn’t say thank you, again, when you drove him 2 hours out of your way. Dick move Bob, dick move. Okay, I am taking several liberties with that but trust me, thats what she meant. I have found that generosity to others feels good it is healing for you as much as it is healing for the person you are helping.
Actual Mother Teresa quote:
Helping people by giving that is true generosity and most importantly be generous to yourself, forgive your flaws and remember you are trying to be better too. While I am still unwilling to help someone who is unwilling to try to help themselves, I am praying everyday that I become the kind of person. Mother Teresa would be proud of or at least look at with less of a sympathetic swing and a miss look. Till next time H is the place for the healthy healing happens!