D-Time

D is for Define, my defining dearest friends.

Define is one of my most favorite words! Define can be defined as; mark out the boundaries or limits for person place or thing, exact nature or meaning of; establish the character of person, place or thing. What an all-encompassing word for me to obsess my way to support success with my manic marionettes.

Norms have no idea what a disability, a mental disorder can be and because we do not have physical signs of our disabilities, most people assume your disorder/disability is, wait for it, all in our heads. Yep, I totally went there.

Let’s be real peoples, no one cares what life is like for me, you or anyone else for that matter. What is really happening in our lives is our own burden to bear. Whether you are like me or easy-breezy; We only see the version of what’s in front of us. What bothers me the most is we are scorned for seeking help for our conditions. No one would ever tell a blind person it is allin their heads.

When explaining my conditions to others, they see it as a  “just get over it” or my personal favorite, “why can’t you just let it go?” My inner A-hole wants to respond…” why can’t you stop being a judgmental d bag and grow a little by having empathy for others? but then I realize it would probably be a lot easier for me to magically be normal then for Norms to understand the complexities of disorders. In all honesty most of the time I don’t even know why I am in a panic and need to hide in my closet for a few hours….just me again? Okay then.

I have spent a lifetime allowing others to define me by my subpar behavior, by my outbursts and my forgetfulness; By my high, high, highs to my low, low, lows, I have been judged by all the Norm-know-it-alls for conditions I could neither control nor understand. I am trying to pick up my own pieces and love who I am, by defining myself and my own version of normal.

People judge what they do not understand. We cannot help but be who we are and like leaves in a shredder, we all have our scars to bare. I am not normal and let me save you the suspense, neither are you. I see no need to fit in with people that pretend that life is perfect.

I see things differently, I feel things differently, life is opening up for me now that I have changed my black and white thinking.  Mindsets are real for us too peoples raw, true, and difficult to disclose without looking like we are insane….oh wait.

Defining myself with as much simplicity as possible, I still think and I still feel I just have a different way of showing it. All the king’s horses and all the king’s meds have not put this egg back together again. I will always be who I am and I am very happy with the person I have become. She is honest and brave…and a roller coaster ride but the good kind where your feet dangle with a lot more loops then twists. I embrace my fragmented brain and you should too, the Navy seals call it, embracing the suck and there is a lot of sucks to embrace in this world so suck away loves, suck away.

If you are brave enough to disclose your disorders to the powers that be, be prepared for some blowback from them especially in a professional environment. For people with bipolar disorder, manic depressives and any of my spectrum peps, if you are plagued by PTSD, down with OCD or are crippled by ADHD, then you are defined by your disorder and although you should be able to seek help from your peers; In my experience, most people will demonize your inability to focus and define you as unqualified.

Norms rarely see outbursts as the sheer panic that it is. They do not see anger as pain and need for routine as structure. People suck for the most part and generally will treat you differently as they define any behavior that is not mainstream as negative. Truth be told I am sure it looks negative, on the surface, people that do not see who we are should never be allowed to determine our fate.

People do not get the privilege to define me ever again, nor should you allow them to define you. Some of the smartest people in the world are a little touched by madness. Eccentric thinkers see things in a different way and who are more eccentric then mental health boys and girls.

We define who we are by how we are, adaptive thinking allows us to see from altered perspectives, use your gifts to define who you are and who you want to be and f what anyone else thinks. Normal is just that, do not be defined as everyone else, there are enough sheep in the world. Be brave and define thy self people, find your voice, find your personal truth and be the best-broken badass you can be.

Happy Healing,

Nik

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