Love layered anxiety has led me to depression and much more anxiety.
All of us want to give love and get loved at our soft chewy centers but love is hard to find in an anxious mental state. There aren’t enough words to define the purity of real love. Love has such power to either move mountains or destroy them.
How do people with anxiety disorders find can’t-live-without-you love?
I have no f-ing idea, all I know is I can mess up a relationship in under fifteen minutes as a no-it-all. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and I am rarely disappointed. I jump in pushing past obvious red flags to feel anything besides my own dwindling self-worth.
I didn’t have strong role models to develop healthy relationships in my formative years but I sure did pick up a lot of self-destruction, thanks, Mom and Dad. The constant fighting and running around, shown by my parents well, I thought that was love. For my parents, love was horrific to watch or at least their dysfunctional version of love.
I learned from my parents, to love those that will never reciprocate and deny those that would.
Erica, my therapist, brought up the truth about love during our last session. She told me, in her New York style,” If you do not love yourself how in the hell can anyone else love you?” I will admit that this is not the first time she has said this to me, but it is the first time that I listened.
I am taking the time to focus on me and learn to love myself now. I am pretty f-ing awesome to behold. I imagine this won’t take long as I combat a lifetime of self-destructive habits(sarcasm). I am looking at life with gratitude and developing my love for me with my world-renowned two-step forward, one-step back, method.
Much like any other love story, it begins with getting to know myself, instead of completing no-ing myself. I am learning to give myself a little leeway and breath deep before I leap. I am finding me more and by doing, I will hopefully find a way to love all my good and bad parts.
While I cannot predict the future, I know that loving myself is the way to free myself to love someone else.