C is for Compulsive people. Who’s down with OCD? Yeah, you know me!
Compulsions drive me to do things that make many c me as different and a-little-to-a-lot, unglued. OCD is an anxiety disorder affecting your serotonin levels. OCD compels me and the C-word for this week, my peoples.
Adults, that have OCD have a range from meh to wtf? My OCD is somewhere on the mild side, but when combined with my other conflicting diagnoses it can get really messed up in here. Thank God, you know how I love a challenge.
As I age, not very gracefully, I am getting more controlled by my rituals. My biggest fears include the chaotic condition of compulsion, ghosts of any kind and anyone approaching me in the dark. I have the need to do most things, three times, the same way. Start three blogs, check the door three times. Three is the top number for me. I like to have things set in three and grouped in three, well you get the picture. 3 is for me, such a pretty number.
I dread sharing this information about my self-sabotage compulsions. This is a part of me that you don’t see, the ones we crazy MF’s like me, hide from the world. Even hide from our therapist’s, love you Merica. I call it the Explosive Compulsive Division of the Nik Manic Corporation and that division is more than pulling its own weight in the crazy mind that is me.
The Explosive Compulsive Division or ECD for short compels me to go beyond three to wow crazy. Stress triggers, panic or any of the poly-disorders can trigger an ECD moment. Case and point, when things go bad my compulsion is to sink the ship. See if I burn it down then it’s under my control, Right??? Totally healthy. You may be asking yourself “Why are you telling us if it’s such a cloak-and-dagger there Nik?” well hold the f on I am getting to the meat, my spud people. I am hoping once I tap that b in the face maybe she won’t screw my life so much, taking all of my time with her chronic careless behavior.
Anxiety and panic and all those horrible feelings are made way worse by obsessing about any and all outcomes. I have learned to cope with things I cannot control by controlling the things I can even when all that does is blow up my life.
For example, say I think I am going to lose my job, I slowly begin to obsess over money, the repeater loop starts to whisper then scream; I can’t be broke, I cannot survive scarcity. Even though I have enough to live on, I am terrified of not having sufficient life funds.That’s when ECD kicks in, backward C that is she. My need to control the situation is compulsive/manic, self-destructive and 100% revealing of my next actions. A.k.a. If I am going to be broke, then I will break me. ECD, building me to ruin…one misguided word at a time. I will then spend several thousand to say a silent F-u to being broke, by creating more debt. I really showed them. Maybe it’s Italian in me that is like; Huh, F-me no F-you although mostly F-me. Compulsion can be overeating (do that) Sexual exploits (meh) and overspending (pretty much got that one locked down as well). Why am I explaining compulsions like this; because they are missed in the mainstream and anyone who self inflicts needs to know it can be fixed.
Again, I have been on medications for most of my life and the only thing that has helped is already in my toolbox, ain’t that a b. Do not get me wrong, medications have their place and without the aid of certain prescriptions I would probably lose it and not come back. That being said, prescription drugs are not a cure but a Band-Aid, when used in combination with therapy, they help you cope with whatever irrational mindsets you have.
Finding what works and committing to utilizing an emotional handgun to kill all those internal glitches is a constant work in progress as well as the only time that being compulsive has really helped.
These careless compulsions created by me, for me; Leave me thinking I have no choice but to buy what I don’t need. As well as, eat the entire pantry, which pretty much limits my bangability, Thank you so much, Hostess. All is not lost because I am starting to see what effects me and when my ECD wants to take over I can say not today c-word. I hope that someday I can stop the madness and start thinking past my id (instant gratification). Learning to recognize my triggers has helped me and will help you too. When I feel unloved, I overeat. When I feel helpless, I buy a ridiculously unnecessary item or twelve. Knowing who you are and why you keep blowing up your life can help you avoid personal impairment.
Now I am obsessing over my obsessing, Ha, talk about a catch twenty-two.
Compulsions can be managed but you have to find what works for you and no one can do this alone. You have to recognize that this, whatever this is for you, is a trigger and that you can move past it. Get with a therapist is the moral of the story here, peoples. I will never be cured you can’t fix a chemical imbalance, but I have learned to cope with the crazy b inside of me, and for that, I am truly grateful, I could not have gotten here without my therapist schooling me. I hope this helps whoever needs it. Next week we look at D’s please pumpkins.